sex gets better with age
question:
I’ve been single for three years since my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce. I have been hesitant to date and having sex brings up a lot of emotions, mostly anxious “What if I can’t please my partner at this age?” But I’m excited about Afrosexology’s work and how young people are reclaiming their sexuality. I’m nearing 50 and worried that sex isn’t really an option these days. Any suggestions for those of us 45+?
answer:
Hey love,
Thank you for writing in with this question. We receive similar letters about sexuality and aging and are glad for the opportunity to provide insight and resources. We are also grateful for this conversation because we think it is important for all of us.
They say that sex gets better with age but aging adults are often left out of the sexual liberation discussion. Too often is older age associated with illness, weakness, suffering, death, loss but almost never sexual exploration.
But we plan to live sexually satisfying lives until our bodies transition and hope that is an option for all who want it. So it’s essential to intentionally and consistently unpack, challenge, and unlearn ageist messages about sex and center sexual pleasure throughout our lives.
the sex lives for those over 45 is alive and well
Pop culture would have us believe that older people do not have robust sex lives. And if a movie or show depicts it, it is seen as comedic and undesirable. Or an older person, usually a cis man, is shown as being impotent.
As we know, not talking about sexuality leaves room for miseducation, embarrassment, and shame. In this case, many older adults are likely to be troubled with thoughts about sexual performance, body image, and desirability. However, that is but a stereotype as older adults have reported feeling more confident, less body shame, and experiencing more sexual pleasure when compared to sex in their 20s and early 30s.
In fact, studies show that individuals ages 18-34 are less sexually active than in previous years and that forty percent of people ages 65-80 are sexually active and sexually satisfied.
reasons why sex gets better with age
Whether you’re troubled with thoughts about your sex appeal, physical changes, or are feeling less experienced, know that while your sex life will change as you age, that doesn’t mean a change for the worse. Let’s take a look at the top reasons why people have better sex as they get older.
With experience comes wisdom
We are always learning about ourselves so it isn’t a surprise that the older we get, the more we learn about our intimate, sexual, and relationship needs and desires. With that knowledge we are better able to communicate those needs and desires with our partners, so it’s also important to note the important role that communication plays. Talking about what you like and what your partner(s) likes will make sex far more fun and satisfying. That may include changes in sexual positions, having more non-penetrative sex, using toys and supportive furniture, and more.
With confidence comes less inhibitions
When we are younger we often feel the need to live up to the sexual expectations of others. We are overly concerned about what our partners think about our bodies and not about how to have more pleasurable sexual experiences. What’s depicted in music and movies and even pornography, often heavily influences what we find attractive and desirable. However, as we come to terms with our own desires and dismiss what we are told we are supposed to like and do, we begin to feel more confident. As we challenge beauty standards and sexual scripts, we begin to feel less insecure about our own bodies and our partner’s body.
With change comes acceptance
In order for us to move forward with confidence and curiosity as we change, we have to learn to accept the changes we experience. People who report being more sexually satisfied as they age say that they feel more acceptance about their bodies and any changes and limitations they may experience. Acceptance helps them to be less critical about themselves, be more present in the moment, and allows them to continue pursuing sexual experiences. Acceptance allows them to also admit and own their needs, set boundaries, and walk away from people or relationships that are not mutually pleasurable.
With education comes empowerment
As we age it’s likely that we have to make some changes in not only the way we have sex but the definition of sex. That being so, older adults who report being more sexually satisfied shared having sought out education and resources to help them better understand and adjust to those changes. This may be in the form of online classes and workbooks, working with a sex therapist, talking to medical providers, and searching for information online. More education leads to being open-minded and curious about how to meet sexual needs, which empower us to be creative in addressing them.
Other factors contributing to increased sexual pleasure include:
Less concerns of pregnancy. Older heterosexual couples report being less concerned about pregnancy after menopause leading to feeling less stress around having sex. However, it’s still important to use condoms for the prevention of sexually transmitted infections.
Prioritizing quality over quantity. Some older adults report that though they don’t have as much sex as in previous years, they are having satisfying sex more frequently. This is due to knowing what they want, expressing what they need, and being in relationships where mutual pleasure is prioritized.
Feeling more connected to partners. While re-learning their bodies and working through challenges, couples are likely to also prioritize other forms of intimacy. Spending quality time together, engaging in more non-sexual touch like kissing, hugs, and cuddling, and keeping up with one another’s inner world, proves to build on intimacy that leads to maintaining or increasing sexual desire for one another.
challenges regarding sex and aging
As we reach our mid 40s, there are some common issues that can feel like major challenges in our sex life. Problems include hormonal changes, vaginal dryness, vaginal atrophy, sexual pain, decreased sexual desire, heart disease, erectile concerns, chronic pain, arthritis, medication side effects, caregiver stress, cognitive concerns, diabetes, high blood pressure, and more.
Being able to talk to your partner about any challenges you are experiencing can help with maintaining intimacy and prioritizing ways to stay connected. For any wellness concerns, don’t hesitate to reach out to your medical provider for support and medication change if needed. Likewise, you might consider meeting with a sex therapist to address any mental health concerns that may be affecting your sex life.
As mentioned at the beginning, we believe that a life-long healthy and satisfying sex life is possible for all of us. For younger readers, we encourage you to challenge any ageist thoughts and beliefs you have. Ask older folks in your life about their relationships and meaning of pleasure in their lives. Ask about their sex lives, if they are up for it! For the older readers, we encourage you to share stories of your sexual experiences, from what you wished you’d known to what you wished you were doing today.
We must hold space for talking about our aging bodies, not only when it comes to pain but also about what feels good, in our relationships and sex lives.
With pleasure, peace, and power,
Dalychia & Rafaella