how to feel sexy and get out of your head

Question:

I am so self-conscious anytime I try to be sexy in front of a partner and feel…uncomfortable/awkward. I don’t want to feel this way so do you have suggestions for what I can explore or do to release these feelings?

Answer:

Hey love!

I know we live in a social media age where everyone seems to be naturally sexy, but I want to assure you that isn’t the case. Many of us are awkward and still figuring out how to feel sexy, so it’s not just you! Feeling sexy is so much more complicated than putting on some lacy panties or doing a strip tease. There are things you can do to get to the bottom of the awkwardness, increase your sexual confidence, and help you unleash your inner sexy. Let’s dig into some strategies below.

get curious about the awkward feelings 

Feelings are like notifications, alerting us about something happening inside. You can also say they’re a compass leading us to subconscious thoughts and beliefs we have. All this to say, your awkward feelings could be telling you to look deeper and uncover beliefs, fear, or trauma that need to be addressed. It might be a good exercise to think about what exactly is causing the awkwardness; Consider some of the following to help you discover how to feel sexy again. 

explore your inner beliefs

A disconnect between your beliefs about sex and sexiness and the reality of who you are could cause a disconnect or awkwardness. For instance, maybe you have an inner belief that you have to have a huge butt to be sexy and you don’t. Or maybe you think you have to know how to dance or be perfect at flirting. 

identify the awkward thoughts 

You could also pay attention to the awkwardness and the thoughts that are going through your head when you feel it. 

Do you feel unattractive? Are you ashamed of your body? Is it how you’re moving your body that makes you feel awkward? Do you feel you’re putting on a sexy act as opposed to oozing the sexiness from inside? Examples of thoughts could be: 

• “I make so many ugly faces when I’m moaning”

• “Look at my fupa protruding out of this lingerie– I look horrible”

• “I have zero rhythm, I wish I had some, so I looked sexier when I’m on top”

• “I hope he/she doesn’t notice my stretch marks, they are pretty gross.” 

We will share tips on how to tackle any unhealthy thoughts you identify later. 

define sexy for yourself 

Another key question to ask yourself is what it means to be sexy. Some things that tend to be synonymous with sexiness are lipstick, lingerie, and leather. However, if you’re trying to imitate mainstream sexiness that doesn’t connect with you, it makes sense that you’d feel uncomfortable and awkward. It’s key to define sexiness for yourself and tailor it to who you are. So, after you challenge any unhelpful inner beliefs, be sure to define what sexy means and looks like to you.

One of the Merriam-Webster definitions of sexy is “generally attractive or interesting”. 

Going by this definition, think about when you feel most attractive and do more of that. Do you feel attractive when you’re engaging in hobbies that you love? After a fresh wax? When you get your hair done? In moments when you’re connecting with and accepting of yourself? When you’re in your element and thriving at work? Or when your skin is popping after a skincare routine? Pay more attention to the moments when your inner-sexy is activated. When you feel confident and sexy, others are likely to see confidence in you as well. Oftentimes, people see us how we see ourselves. When we are feeling sexy, we exude sexy. Feeling sexually confident is something most of us struggle with. If you’d like to learn how to increase your sexual confidence, join our upcoming webinar on this exact topic.

consider inner work

Circling back to how our inner thoughts and beliefs often show up in our feelings, it isn’t always simple to just start thinking “I feel sexy”. We’ve had many self-critical beliefs for years and it will take intentional action to begin changing the way we think. 

Doing inner work comes in different forms, mirror work being one. This is a practice that helps you get in touch with your inner-self and enhance self-love. 

You practice mirror work by getting in front of the mirror and holding your gaze for a few minutes a day. You can also speak to your body in compassionate and affirming ways. As you continue doing this work, begin incorporating sexy behaviors in the mirror. For example, get dressed up just for you, make seductive faces and poses, or caress your body with love and care. Take inventory of the thoughts and feelings that surface as you stare at yourself and write down positive affirmations that you can say in place of any negative self-talk. 

Thanks to neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to restructure, adapt and rewire itself throughout your lifetime—affirmations can help you change the way you see yourself. 

For instance, if when looking at yourself, you think your skin isn’t smooth enough, you can say “I accept myself as I am in this moment.” Also, ask yourself where the belief came from that you must have flawless skin and release that belief if it doesn’t serve you. 

When forming affirmations, it’s important to avoid ones you can’t connect with or don’t yet believe. Instead, start with statements that feel believable and that you can connect with. For example, saying “I love my skin” may not resonate if you have acne, but saying you accept yourself as you are might be a better place to start. 

If your negative self-talk is rooted in trauma, it may be a good idea to couple this work with therapy. 

tap into your erotic energy 

Tapping into your erotic or sexual energy can make you feel sexier. Erotic energy is the life force energy you feel when you’re aroused or excited (this doesn’t always mean your genitals are aroused). It connects you to your core and can be a gateway to sexual pleasure when you remove blocks and let the energy move freely through you. Enacting your erotic energy is also a way to begin trusting your intuition and connecting with your body, which could help you tap into your inner sexy.

How can you activate your erotic energy?

Try dancing in front of the mirror (clothed or naked), pole dancing classes, playing, spending time in nature, embracing your feelings, and doing creative things. You could also watch yourself masturbate, sensually touch yourself, or wear lingerie that makes you feel attractive and sexy. 

Our guide on discovering the sexual goddess within may be helpful too. 

practice mindfulness 

Mindfulness is an ongoing practice and isn’t something you master overnight. Nonetheless, these practices can help you become more mindful and connect with your body. 

• Be present and get out of your head. Let go of preconceived ideas about what sexy should look like because that often isn’t reality. Sex can be awkward and uncomfortable sometimes and that’s ok. The idea is to be present and to connect with yourself so that you feel connected with your partner, even during times of awkwardness. Also, show yourself compassion, as you don’t need to strive for some Hollywood version of sexy or porn-style sex. Just show up as yourself. 

• Take care of your body. Rest when you need to, make a ritual out of lotioning your skin, stretch and move your body, eat delicious foods and nurture yourself. This form of self-love and attentiveness can help you better connect with your body and sexiness may become more organic as a result. 

• Pay attention to your body during sex. How are you responding to various positions and when do you feel most uncomfortable? Also, try to be cognizant of your partner’s body language and facial expressions to ensure the pleasure and presence are mutual. 

• Communicate with your partner about how you want to be engaged during sex, especially focusing on any sensitive areas you identified above. You may want to set boundaries around dirty talk or positions that awaken insecurities and your inner critic. 

• Activate your sacral chakra by spending time in water, as the sacral chakra relates to the water element. Your sacral chakra is the energy center in your body associated with pleasure, sexuality, and creativity. Aromatherapy may also be a way to arouse feelings of sensuality; consider aromas like eucalyptus, chamomile and rose. A third way to activate your sacral chakra is by centering your affirmations on sensuality and creativity. 

• Accept your awkwardness and quirks because sometimes sex is awkward. We all have our moments and unique things about us that may be awkward and attractive at the same time. They don’t have to be things you need to judge. Just because you pass gas during sex or make ugly faces when you moan, that doesn’t mean you aren’t sexy. When you’re in the moment, anything can happen, so focus on the pleasure and also be ok with laughing at yourself sometimes! You aren’t acting out a movie scene that requires the perfect take; you’re a human enjoying pleasure.  

Sexiness isn’t necessarily something you need to switch on and off. Ultimately, one of the best things you can do to activate your sexiness is release any preconceived notions you have about what it means to be sexy and be your most authentic self. Sexy looks different for each of us, and feeling comfortable with your definition of sexiness is the key to feeling sexy.

With peace, power, & pleasure,

Dalychia & Rafaella