tips for enjoying solo & partnered pleasure

Question:

I struggle to connect with myself and with my partner. What are the ways that I can “turn off my mind” (anxiety, shame, dysphoria) and learn to enjoy myself solo and with a partner? (another similar question) Any tips on concentration/focus for pleasure and/or climax/orgasm?

Answer:

Thank you so much for your question. With all of the information we are constantly processing, it can be challenging to quiet our minds and drop down into our bodies. While everyone’s journey to connectedness is different, there are a few approaches that may allow you to better connect to yourself, your body, and your partner.

build your pleasure practices

Pleasure Practices are the things we do to experience pleasure and connect to our bodies. Some of our Pleasure Practices include masturbating, twerking, going outside to soak up the sun, slowly putting lotion on our body while naked in front of a mirror, cuddling, listening to music, eating cookies & ice cream, lighting a scented candle, taking bubble baths - the list is endless. Spend time exploring and learning what makes you feel connected to your body and actively incorporate more of those practices into your day. As you engage in your Pleasure Practices, focus on how your body is reacting and the sensations it’s experiencing. Intentionally focusing on our body through Pleasure Practices heightens our awareness and ability to connect to our body. 

meditation & mindfulness

Establishing a meditative or mindfulness practice is another way to practice quieting our brain and being present in the moment. These practices teach us that our brain is a muscle and that with exercise we can learn to let go of thoughts that sometimes consume or distract us. Part of sex is being present in the pleasurable moments your body is experiencing, which requires us to let go of the future thinking our brain is often engaged in. One study even showed that orgasmic women, when compared to anorgasmic women, used more mindfulness skills. 

There are many instructors and guides that can help you start practicing meditation. Froetic Sexology has a few breathwork videos on their profile that you can check out. There are also a variety of guided meditations available on YouTube that you can check out, such as Jessamyn Stanley. If you prefer apps you can look into Liberate App and the Shine App, which are meditation apps for Black folx. You can also meditate with your partner to connect with them in a non-sexual way before getting more intimate with this video. Since the brain is the larget sex organ, meditating with a partner can allow you both to clear your minds and connect to one another. Cultivating space for non-physical or sexual intimacy with your partner can heighten the physical moments you will share.

work through dysphoria

Dysphoria looks different for everyone so working through it will look different from person to person. If you are experiencing body dysphoria, try playing with the lights off, keeping on articles of clothing that make you feel more comfortable, and/or playing under the covers. If you are experiencing gender dysphoria, we suggest seeking a licensed mental health professional to work with, but if that is not accessible, you can look for support groups in your area. Reflect on the moments that make you feel body or gender euphoria and incorporate those more into your sexual experiences. This can mean asking your partner to refer to your body using certain words or wearing items like binding tops, padded bras, or packing gear. Dysphoria is not something that will go away overnight, but there are resources available. We just want to affirm that you are not alone, and you are valid in your experiences and identity. 

self-pleasure before partner play

Try connecting with yourself before diving into partner play. Create your own self-pleasure practice. Set the mood that you want. Change the lighting, try out a new playlist, light some candles and incense, rub your body with massage oil or baby oil. Center the senses you have access to and focus on how things feel on your body -- what you are smelling, tasting, hearing, touching, and seeing (whether actually in the room or in your imagination). Reflect on if it’s easier to really pay attention to your senses when you are alone? If it is, take some time to reflect on what changes for you in terms of your feelings and awareness when you are with a partner(s).  You can then bring this heightened awareness to partner play, connecting your senses to your partner: how does their body feel touching your body, how do they smell to you, how do they taste when you kiss them, what do they look like to you in the moment, how does their voice or moans sound to you? If you want to do more work with yourself to focus on your self-pleasure, you can use our Solo Sex Workbook as a guide.

communicate with a partner

It can be beneficial to talk with your partner(s) about your struggle to connect, turn off your brain, and focus on the pleasurable experiences. Opening up and letting them in can ease the situation and also allows your partner to support you throughout the process. Express to your partner what goes through your head before you have sex. They may be able to check in with you beforehand and give you space to let things out so that they aren’t weighing on you and distracting you. Have the conversation during a non-sexual time so that both of you can have your attention on what you are discussing. Expressing ourselves verbally can be very freeing and help to “turn off” our heads and enjoy the moment. 

identify your turn ons & turn offs 

In the book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski talks about sexual accelerators- things that turn you on and sexual brakes- the things that turn you off. Like a car, it’s hard to drive with your foot on the gas and the brakes. Identifying your sexual brakes, which may be life stressors, particular foods upsetting your stomach, worrying about your to-do list, an argument with your partner, or sexual shame can make it difficult for your mind and body to become aroused or turned on. Learning tactics to minimize the sexual brakes and to maximize the sexual accelerators, the things that turn you on, can help increase your arousal and desire.

create the environment

Setting the mood can have a great impact on arousal and connecting in the moment. Take some time before partnered or solo sex to set the mood. You can do this physically by playing with the lighting, changing the bedding, taking a shower, or turning on music. You can set the mood mentally with your Pleasure Practices and/or self pleasuring. If you are looking to set the mood with your partner try enjoying a delicious meal together, turning on the music, dancing together, or talking about what you want to do to one another. Creating intimacy before a sexual experience is a great way to start building your ideal environment for sexual activity and can help you turn your focus toward the fun that is about to ensue. 

removing the goal

A very common barrier to connecting and enjoying the moment is the pressure to climax or to orgasm. The message that you have to orgasm during sexual activity can cloud over the message to prioritize mutual pleasure during sex. The definition of pleasure varies for everyone and an orgasm does not necessarily have to be part of the experience every time or at all. There are many pleasurable nerve endings that are stimulated during foreplay and sex and many people enjoy sex, even if they did not reach orgasm. Go into your solo and partnered experiences with the only expectation being to explore, play, and connect with yourself and your partner.

Practicing some of these techniques during and outside of sexual experience can enhance your ability to quiet your mind and connect with yourself and pleasure. As you discover your Pleasure Practices, try meditation, and talk with your partner about this struggle, celebrate that you are actively taking steps to increase the pleasure in your life.  

With peace, power & pleasure,

Dalychia & Rafaella