3 ideas for staying present
Many people struggle with staying present in their bodies, especially during sex. You may not feel connected to your body, are wondering how your body looks, are preoccupied by your partner’s experience, or maybe you have a running to-do list in mind. When you’re distracted during sex, it can keep you from reaching the height of pleasure you desire. It can also prevent you from speaking up about what feels good, neutral, and uncomfortable. Sometimes, you may even struggle to orgasm or lose your momentum.
If this is you, take it easy on yourself because you aren’t the only one! People have a hard time focusing and being present while doing just about everything. So, the fact that it happens during sex, too, emphasizes the opportunity you have for building mindfulness skills.
Mindfulness is the practice of intentionally bringing your attention to the ‘here and now’, without judgment, comparison, or evaluation. Mindful sex is the practice of being present during sex and not judging, comparing, or evaluating what’s happening, especially in a critical way. Instead of getting lost in thought or intentionally distracting yourself, you can use mindfulness to fully immerse your body and mind into the experience.
Explore
Mindfulness during sex is one helpful practice for increasing pleasure, connection, and a sense of being present in the moment. And it can be practiced in different ways, from exploring deep breathing and tuning into your senses during sex.
But before getting into ways to stay present, it’s important to first understand how you experience distraction. This will help you explore what might be a helpful approach to mindfulness and is specific to your experience.
For example…
Are you easily distracted by a cluttered room? Tidy up before you have sex.
Is silence during sex unnerving? Put on a sexy playlist.
Do the feelings of the sheets make your skin crawl? Change the sheets to ones you like.
There may also be situations related to unpleasant sexual experiences that lead to dissociation or other forms of distraction. It can be especially helpful to discuss these with your partner(s) and create a plan for slowing down and checking in.
What patterns of distraction or dissociation can you identify for yourself? What do those patterns say about what you might need in order to be more mindful?
Reclaim
Whether you feel distracted after a long day at work, or in response to a past traumatic experience, mindfulness is a practice that everyone can benefit from during any stage of their sex life. Here are three ideas for reclaiming the moment when you feel distracted or to address potential unpleasant sexual associations.
Notice the pleasure: When you feel your thoughts and body are inching away from you, slow down and begin to notice what you are feeling. Center your thoughts around how your sensations are being stimulated and allow yourself to feel into them. After you notice them, turn towards what is pleasurable. State/name how good it feels to yourself.
Talk to our partner: Now that you’ve identified the pleasurable feelings, you can share out loud or you can be more specific by naming what your partner is doing that feels good. Try saying/moaning something like, “I love it when you lick behind my ear” or a simple, “This feels sooo goood” could work. For more directive talk, express what you want your partner to do, such as, “I want you to grab my ass”.
Actively participate: If certain positions are uncomfortable or increase the chances of not being in the moment, change positions to something that not only feels good but puts you in an active, and not passive, position. This might include riding if it’s an empowering position for you or intentionally touching and kissing your partner.
And remember, mindfulness is a continuous practice. It’s not something you do a couple of times and *boom* no more distracted thoughts! Instead of thinking of it as a fix, look at it as a resource you bring into your sexual experiences…like lube, condoms, and toys. So what if you get distracted? Now you have an opportunity to tell your partner exactly how you want it while Rihanna’s “Yeah I Said It” plays in the background!
We live in a very busy world, being 100% focused all the time is unrealistic (and honestly, not even fun). But you’ll have the skills to bring yourself back to the moment, shame-free and pleasure-centered.
More to explore
Blog: How to Feel Sexy and Get Out of Your Head
Freebie: Pleasure Playlist
Feature: Interview for 21Ninety
With pleasure,
Dalychia & Rafaella