how to be present during sex after experiencing sexual trauma
Question:
I experienced sexual trauma as a kid and notice that when I masturbate or have sex, in order to enjoy I have to disassociate from reality and go into a dream/fantasy world. How do I stay in the feelings of safety in reality as I experience sexual pleasure?
Answer:
Hey love, we are sorry you experienced this trauma and want you to know what you are experiencing is not abnormal. Studies show that 3 out of 4 people who experience a traumatic event will dissociate during the time the trauma takes place and after. Similarly, sexual dissociation after a sexual trauma is a common response.
Dissociation is a survival strategy we may use during times of stress and trauma and sometimes that self-protective technique stays with us long after the danger is over. So being more present during sex is a new skill that you’ll have to intentionally learn and practice. Gradually helping your body to relearn safety with sex after trauma is possible and we have some tips that may help.
define safety for yourself
First, begin thinking about what makes you feel safe, unsafe, and what leads to dissociating during sex. Are there certain types of touches, comments, scents, sounds, or positions that trigger you?
Once you’ve established what unsafe sex looks like, switch gears and think about what safer sex looks like for you. After experiencing sexual trauma, this could be extremely helpful for you to redefine. Keep in mind that sex always carries risk, meaning it may never be 100% safe. However, you may be able to make it safer for you by minimizing triggers.
Presently, you may be feeling safe in this dream, fantasy, or dissociative state. What about it makes you feel safe? What about it makes pleasure more accessible? How can any of those aspects be brought into your sexual encounters?
For instance, if during dissociative sex, you go to a beach where the sun is shining and the waves are crashing, perhaps the sound of nature makes you feel safe. Or maybe it’s the brightness of the sun. You could incorporate this into your sexual encounters by having sex with the lights on or playing instrumentals that resemble crashing waves in the background.
When you’re triggered by sexual trauma, you can turn to what are called “glimmers”-- things that signal safety and bring us back to a place of calmness. Examples of glimmers include an image of your favorite place, a picture of a loved one, a pleasant scent, or anything else that represents safety, brings positive warm feelings, and helps you ground yourself. Your glimmers can help deactivate your freeze response when you’re triggered and help you reconnect with yourself, your partner, and your present sense of safety.
When defining safety during sex, you may also want to think about what type of sex you want to have. What feels pleasurable to you and what don’t you like?
Once you define what this looks and feels like for you, try practicing while you masturbate. It may not happen overnight, but with time and practice, we hope you’ll feel safer and more present during intimacy.
be open with your partner
If you’re comfortable doing so, tell your partner about the dissociation you’re feeling during sex.
You can create boundaries that allow you to feel safer, more present, and connected with your partner. All of which can help you have more enjoyable sexual experiences.
These could be expressed through establishing safe words, which are words you use to communicate your emotional, mental, or physical state with your partner during sex. This can notify them to slow down, check-in, and stop what they are doing. Using safewords is especially helpful with people who dissociate during sex because it allows them to effectively communicate with fewer words.
Examples of safewords include “red” or “banana” to mean stop or “green” to give the go-ahead. You can personalize these words any way you want.
You can also share your sexual trauma if you feel safe and believe it would be helpful to do so. But you are still able to explore ways your partner can support you during sex after trauma, without providing details that may trigger or retraumatize either of you.
co-regulate during partnered sex
When you begin feeling distressed or dissociative, co-regulation can help you soothe and calm your nervous system while also connecting with your partner and bringing in more intimacy. Verbal or non-verbal communication can help regulate body responses and emotions that come up during sex. Some strategies to practice this include light touch, massages, using a soothing voice, deep breathing, cuddling, or making eye contact.
mindfulness and healing practices
Mindfulness can be a really powerful tool when combatting sexual trauma. There are so many different mindfulness practices--it’s about finding what works best for you.
One practice is to focus on your breathing, the sensations in your body, and holding your attention to where the pleasure feels best as a way to be more present. You can also try utilizing all of your senses, so focusing on what you can see, smell, taste, hear, and feel.
There are a few ways you could activate your senses during intimacy to create a safe space which includes:
Lighting candles with scents you like
Curating a pleasure playlist
Lighting incense
Using massage oils
Setting up diffusers with essential oils
Choosing textures you like for clothing, pillows, and sheets
As you begin feeling more safe, comfortable, and grounded, begin focusing your senses around your sexual experience. For example, which scents do you notice, savor the taste of their lips, tune into the moans and sounds the sheets make, notice the look of pleasure on their face, and connect with what feels good. This helps rewire the brain and nervous system to connect sex with pleasure instead of the past trauma.
Self-healing work can also help you be more present during sex. This includes processing feelings of guilt and shame that could be buried under any unhealed sexual trauma. Reconnecting with your body through methods like yoga and dance can also be healing.
Finally, using pleasure practices as small acts of pleasure can be healing if your body associates sex with trauma. Some of these practices may look like massaging your body, eating your food slowly so you can savor each bite, sensually lotioning your body, cuddling yourself, or anything else that brings you pleasure and helps you connect with your body. This can help your brain and body to no longer learn to associate pleasure and sex with danger.
Try and commit to doing a pleasure practice daily, weekly, or as often as you can.
seek professional help
One of the best pieces of advice for anyone who experiences sexual trauma is to get professional help. If this is something you’ve been doing, well done to you; it takes a lot of courage to embark on that healing journey.
Trying to navigate sexual trauma alone can be triggering and overwhelming. However, a professional such as a therapist can give you tools and resources to help you work through the trauma you’ve experienced. Some evidence-based treatments that are said to help with sex after trauma include psychodynamic psychotherapy, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR).
In addition to therapy, consider support groups to connect with individuals who can relate to your experience. There is strength in community and they may be able to share strategies and resources that can help you be more present during intimacy.
Energetic healing practices such as reiki may also be helpful. It’s a form of alternative medicine that uses energy to facilitate emotional, mental and spiritual healing.
Or you might be interested in attending an event for survivors looking for community and tools for having pleasurable sex after trauma.
We commend you on this journey of healing and know with the right tools and support, you can absolutely learn to enjoy sex again, even after trauma.
With pleasure, peace, and power,
Dalychia & Rafaella