I didn’t do it on purpose
During one of my online sessions, my therapist hit a nerve. She said something I wasn’t yet ready to hear or heal and it pissed me off. Instantly, my chest and face felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t believe I was paying to be dissected in this way. But before I could even deny her very astute analysis, I felt this wave rushing from my belly toward my eyes. No, no, no, I thought. I don’t want her to see me cry.
Internally though it felt like a losing battle. As she kept pulling out receipts, the waves grew stronger. I felt myself begin to shake, about to burst. I had no option, other than to give in. But in my last effort to preserve my dignity, I refused to look at her. So I moved my eyes to focus on my own reflection in the upper right hand corner of the screen and what I saw made me jump. Here I was feeling and thinking that she could very clearly see that I was on the verge of a full on breakdown, but no, my face was eerily stoic. I mean, I looked like I was completely fine. My head was even automatically nodding up and down signaling that I was taking in everything she was saying. Fuck, I thought. Here’s another thing I’ll need to pay her to process.
Let's Explore Deeper
I didn’t do it on purpose. It's just after a lifetime of being told that people will think I’m weak because I cry too much, of not having my hurt taken seriously, of forcing smiles so I’m not the AngryBlackGirl, of being taught to value my mind over my body, the rational over the emotional, of being burnt out from reacting to all the non-stop racism, sexism, and every other -ism, it’s kind of fucking impossible to not condition yourself to suppress your feelings.
And before you know it, you’ve turned on something that you don’t know how to turn off. I honestly thought feeling less would keep me safe. I had no idea I was cutting myself off from my core, my source, my home. It’s easy to think you’re connected to your body because, you know, it’s always there. But instead, it was completely normal for me to ignore, dismiss, avoid, minimize, suppress, and judge my body, its signals, and its wisdoms.
The sad part is, I know I’m not alone. I want you to ask yourself,
How were you taught to feel about your feelings?
What armor have you put on to protect yourself in this world? How does it help and hurt you?
Do you feel connected to your body? Do you trust your body? Do you listen to your body? Do you express your emotions?
How to Reclaim
For too many of us the answers are not ones we’re pleased with. So for the past couple of years I have been showing up to therapy, somatic courses, breathwork sessions, daily meditations, intuition rituals, and many other embodiment practices to learn how to feel my feelings, how to trust myself, and how to be in relationship with my body. And it’s hard as shit yall. I mean I am rewiring decades of neural pathway conditioning. The more I learn the more I see just how pervasively my maladaptive practices have impacted me.
I was living so much of my life in my head, which technically is a part of my body, but is not my full body. I wasn’t experiencing life, I was thinking about it. Constantly critiquing, worrying, or fantasizing about moments in the past or yet to come, but rarely just fully present. Even during sex. See, I’ve learned on this embodiment journey that you don’t get to selectively feel your emotions and you can’t instantly connect to your body when you spend the majority of your time disconnected. I can’t say I don’t want to feel grief, but I want to feel love. I don’t want disappointment, but I want joy. I don’t want to feel this heaviness in my heart but I want to feel immense pleasure throughout my body.
But as I’ve learned to feel it all, to be present in the present, and to be with my body, it feels so good to feel the fullness of myself. And I know I haven’t even scratched the surface. Slowly, I feel more at ease, more secure, more powerful, and more connected with my body. My body, all of our bodies, are so technologically advanced. I am only beginning to understand its magic. That for guidance I can go to my gut, my heart, my pussy, and not just my head. To notice and interpret the signals it sends me through sensations. And to trust and follow the unimaginable path it is pulling me towards.
It’s hard work, but the journey is worth it. I’m worth it. We all are. And I’m grateful for the teachers who are here to offer the kind of guidance that makes the journey easier. Goddess Amina is someone I’ve wanted to study under for so long. Meeting her is to meet a being who is living an embodied life. I am so excited that she is teaching an Erotic Embodiment webinar for us and I invite you all to learn from her with us.
More to Explore
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With pleasure,
Dalychia & Rafaella
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