I’m needy
I was raised to be an independent Black woman. Early on I learned two things. First, depending on others often left you disappointed. Second, being called needy was not a compliment. I prided myself on being the daughter, friend, and partner who was available to help but never made requests of my own. I was low-maintenance and felt neglected. I found myself in one-sided friendships, with emotionally unavailable partners, and afraid to ask for the support I desperately needed.
In conversations with others, I’ve learned that I’m not alone. In this oppressive culture, we have been taught to normalize exploitative relationships. The myth of independence often keeps us from building mutually beneficial, interdependent relationships. To experience more pleasure and liberation in our lives, we need relationships where we are giving and receiving love and care. I realized that I’ve robbed people of the opportunity to shower me with love and care because I’ve repeatedly said I don’t need anything or I haven’t reached out in the moments when I needed to. So I’m actively reclaiming being needy and I invite you to join me!
Let’s Explore Deeper
I invite you to make a list of what you need more of in your relationships. Think about your romantic, sexual relationships as well as family, friendships, and work relationships. I invite you to complete two types of sentences. The first are “I need…” sentences. This is a chance to claim and list various needs. The second is “When I feel ___ I need ___.” These sentences prompt you to think about the kind of care and love you need during particular moments in life. What do you need from others when you’re stressed, sick, or feel like celebrating? Knowing what we need helps us to be more responsive in the moments when folks ask us, “Do you need anything?”.
I’ll also say this exercise is harder than it looks. My first set of need statements involved a lot of things I could give myself and it took effort to dream of what it would feel amazing to receive from others. Here are some of my need statements.
I need clitoral stimulation before penetrative sex.
I need folks to put their phone down when I’m sharing something important or vulnerable.
When I’m having a hard day, I need a long hug.
When I’m angry, I need to vent and for you to be on my side.
When I get a new sex toy, I need you to leave the house and give me some alone time.
Ways to Reclaim
Explore how you feel about being needy.
What comes to mind when you think of a needy person? Do you think of someone who is weak, clingy, and vulnerable? There may be associations that we’ve internalized that could keep us from embracing and asking for our needs more. To reclaim being needy, we’ll have to reframe how we feel about having needs. The same way we now understand that practicing self-care doesn’t make you selfish, having needs doesn’t make you weak.
Practice self soothing as you tell others what you need.
Once you identify what you need, the next step is to ask for it. When this is a new practice it can leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed. Building the practice of checking in and soothing ourselves can ensure that we don’t let difficult feelings keep us from asking for what we need. If you notice your heart rate increase you can practice taking deep breaths. If you notice your mind racing with negative thoughts, you can practice countering them with affirmations. If you notice your shoulders tensing up, you can stretch and relax your muscles. These self soothing practices help us to care for ourselves while we’re asking people to offer us care and support as well.
Be prepared to receive and be rejected
One of the most amazing parts of this journey has been how excited my friends, family, and partners have been to give me what I need. When I first started making requests, my expectations were so low that I found myself overwhelmed by the love and support. When we’re so used to giving we may not know how to receive. We may find ourselves resisting support, trying to minimize the request, or blaming ourselves for “burdening” others. We may find ourselves struggling to let go of control and trust others to do what they said they would. We may find ourselves feeling a need to shower others with love and support to make up for the love and support they showed us. Receiving can bring up a lot of old and hard feelings, but I encourage you to sit and reflect on them, without acting on them.
There have also been hard moments of rejection. It’s hard to realize that someone in your life is only there because of what you do for them and have no intentions of building a mutually beneficial relationship. It’s also hard to make a vulnerable request and someone says they can’t do what you need. But there are important lessons in both of these moments. When someone only wants a one-sided relationship, that is an opportunity for you to re-evaluate the role of this relationship in your life. You may realize that you need to establish boundaries so you’re not overly available or that you want to completely end the relationship. If someone who you are in a healthy interdependent relationship with says no to your request, it can hurt, but it is also a beautiful reminder that you can say no to requests from others. No, you can’t talk right now. No, you can’t watch their child this weekend. No, you don’t want to have sex. Learning how to receive rejection is just as important as learning how to give one.
I hope these words help you build lives and relationships where your needs are lovingly met. If you’re interested in exploring your erotic relationship with yourself more, I invite you to check out our Solo Sex Workbook. The 70+ page workbook is filled with reflective questions and explorative practices to guide you towards deepening your connection to your body, desires, and pleasure.
Here's What's New
With pleasure & power,
Dalychia & Rafaella
Creators of Afrosexology, LLC
Pronouns: she, her, hers