searching for the sexual goddess within

Question:

Hi sis. So forgive me cause this is a long one haha. First of all, every time I read your posts I just felt this like connection to you and everything you post so thank you. So I have just recently come in contact with the beauty that is my sexuality and sensuality. I had to go through a serious cleansing process of healing and loving on myself. I'm becoming acquainted with what I desire and what I find attractive. However sis, there are some things I've been pondering...So I’m having trouble with feeling sexy. Like I want to be able to twerk and feel sexy. I want to feel erotic when I dance. I want to release my sensuality with confidence. I don't feel sexy. And then there are times when I have thoughts about how I would lose confidence in the past about my sensuality. Sis it's hard cause I don't have any women in my life who can teach me this (I was raised in a household that was rooted in respectability politics so sensuality was kind of squashed lol) Oh and girl I don't even feel like I can twerk right 😩😩😩 I want to be fully in contact with my erotic magic but I am not confident in it. Oh and sis I'm not gonna lie sex kind of both exhilarates me and scares me. I've never had sex via penetration but I have had sexual experiences (the reason why I didn't have physical sex being that the dudes I messed with in the past WERE TRASH, I actually was groped and harassed by one). I just really want to be confident in my sensuality. I love myself so much and I want this for myself ya know? I'm sorry that was long AF LMBOO

Answer:

Hi love, 

I'm writing out my response & it's long af lol. No need to apologize for a long question! When you’ve suppressed your sexuality for a long time, you deserve to take up some space and express everything!

First, welcome home! Congratulations on reconnecting with your sensuality and sexuality! There are so many roadblocks set up in life to keep us from being in tune with ourselves and our erotic pleasure, so for you to overcome all of those to arrive where you are is no small feat. I can relate to what you're sharing, I'm from a household that is extremely conservative and religious. I didn't get in tune with my sexuality until my early 20s and it's been such a scary and rewarding journey ever since. 

I share a similar goal to you. I feel like I know what I like and how to ask for it but I'm still a pretty nerdy and awkward chick, which I own & love - but I also want to get in tune with the sexual goddess within me. I'm dedicating the next couple of years of my sexual journey to releasing & reclaiming her. So what I have to offer you is less so advice, because I'm in the same space as you, but I can share what I'm doing to get in touch with my inner sexual goddess.

It may be helpful to recognize the difference between sexual vs. sensual (spoiler alert: both are beneficial to holistic erotic pleasure). The simplest way to distinguish the two is that sexuality happens between our brain and our heart and sensuality is how our body and senses connect to those feelings. We can think of sexuality as thoughts, our self image and concepts of what’s beautiful - the spirit and intellect behind our desires. Sensuality, however, comes from how we experience our body and senses in terms of physical pleasure and sensory stimulation. Sensuality is not necessarily sexual, while sexuality does not necessarily require physical sensation. But, both areas are great to explore, because they go together so well... like a warm bath and wine, you know?

what is my version of sexy?

First I'm really trying to figure out what sexy means to me. This is important because we are fed so many messages about what sexy means to white men and that may not align with what sexy means to us. How does sexy look, feel, what do sexy people do, what do I want to do? Who are the people I look at and say, “yesss them, I want to be sexy like them,” and what about them resonates with me? Is it their style, how they talk, how they command a room, how they're so present when talking to you that you feel like they're making love to you with their eyes. I'm really trying to imagine and define who my inner sexual goddess is. And then I'm setting goals and doing things that push me towards those areas that excite and scare me. I want to learn to pole dance, I want to give a lap dance, I want to take sexy naked selfies for myself, I want to talk dirty to my lover(s), I want to practice more platonic touching, I want to wear more lingerie just around the house for no damn reason other than it makes me feel good. I'm making my list & keeping it in mind daily and working towards them.

how do I embody sexy?

I would suggest that you start in a similar place. Imagine the sexy you want to be and write out everything about her. Find your sexy role models & figure out what you like about them. And then create some action steps and work towards them. Be patient, kind, and forgiving with yourself. If you try something and you feel goofy and lose confidence, it’s ok, give yourself a break and try it again. This is a lifelong journey.

I still have to give myself a pep talk every time I get ready to teach a twerk class because I doubt my ability as a twerker. But, I know I'm only going to embrace the twerk within me if I practice it & challenge myself to continue growing with this practice. On that note, twerk slowly and just for yourself. There are days when I get on my hands and knees and move my hips back & forth just to feel my body, not even trying to be sexy or dance to a beat, but because I feel so stiff when I dance and I want my body movement to feel familiar again. This is that sensuality piece. Removing the focus from being purely sexy - I want to embrace feeling good in my body, just for me. Getting in touch with my sensuality helps me stay present in my body, so I am truly in touch with both aspects of myself when I’m ready to start exploring my erotic pleasure, later on.

engage in solo sex

Again we have been intentionally separated from our sexuality so this work is difficult and I applaud you for taking on this journey. If you’re not already masturbating, we highly recommend it. Solo Sex can help you get in tune with your erotic power, desires, body, and learn exactly how you like to be pleasured. This may help you explore the fear you have around penetrative sex. With masturbation, you can penetrate at a pace that feels right for you. When you keep in mind sexuality vs sensuality, remember to practice both and these two pieces of self-awareness will bring you closer to your erotic pleasure.

Also, we’re glad our work resonates with you, thank you so much for affirming us. We’re excited for where your journey will lead you!

With peace, power, & pleasure,

Dalychia & Rafaella