exploring your sexuality when single
When was the last time that you had sex? Does a time that you shared with someone else come to mind first? It isn’t uncommon that when we think of sex we are considering experiences that involve others and typically don’t count our solo sex experiences. This can make it seem like discovering what feels good to our bodies is dependent on another body being present.
Let’s Explore Deeper
Consider yourself one of your sex partners and take a moment to notice what comes up for you just thinking or saying it aloud. Would you say that you have a satisfying sex life with yourself? What we may express as desirable in the sex we have with others can be missing from the sexual relationship we have with ourselves. So take a moment to put it all on the table and look at what you want during sex, both with yourself and with others.
Some of you have told us that you feel stuck in your sexual journey because you’re single and want to explore more. Well, let us just say that exploring sex and your sexuality is possible at all points of your life and we encourage you to continue being curious whether you are single or in committed relationships. And as you take more time to think about what you want in your sexual relationship, you can begin looking into more toys, tools, and resources that feel aligned.
Exploring your sexuality is not limited to having more sex, solo or partnered. But includes soaking up information through reading, listening to podcasts, erotica, having conversations, attending groups and more. Also, know that you can choose to dip a toe into some areas instead of cannonballing into the unknown. There’s no rush, this type of exploring is best as a lifetime commitment.
Ways to Reclaim
As you continue to identify what a satisfying sexual relationship with yourself looks like, be sure to find a reasonable pace that feels both exciting and grounding. Sometimes in our attempts at increasing self-love, personal development, and growth we feel this eagerness, or even urgency, that can pull us out of the moment and add unnecessary pressure. Here are a few ideas for you to try while prioritizing expanding your sexual relationship with self:
Create mini goals
We can easily get in the habit of doing without being intentional, reflecting, or checking-in with ourselves about how things are going. Sort of like going through the motions, just because. So before you get started, think of 2-3 things that you want to explore. Do you want to learn more about the benefits of masturbation so that you can challenge the shame you feel? Watch a few videos on masturbation and self-love? Join an IG live about sex and mindfulness? Whatever it is, having a goal in mind can help stay focused, check-in on ourselves, and make shifts when needed.
Create a budget
As we mentioned, there are a variety of ways to educate yourself. There are many free routes and many that will cost. So from signing up for webinars and buying new toys and workbooks, set a budget for yourself. This will help you be intentional about what you buy, hold you accountable for following through with attending classes (i.e., I’ll watch this webinar before signing up for another), and help you stay within your financial means.
Take notes
Keep a sex journal to take notes from the events you attend, the Google facts you come across, interesting points from YouTube videos, thoughts that come up after reading our posts and emails (emoji), points you want to remember from convos with friends, etc. You can also use the journal to write down your fantasies, experiences, and anything else that feels relevant while building this relationship.
Have fun
Sex can feel pretty intimidating at times. Afterall, we’ve been taught about sex through a lens of shame and avoidance for a long time. And there may be past experiences that make it feel unsafe. But there is playfulness and lightness to be found and experienced. One way to take the heaviness out is to engage with content from educators who are sex-positive, have a welcoming style, and visibly have fun sharing information. Also, try to not treat this journey as a dreaded homework assignment. If you start to find yourself becoming critical or being hard on yourself, take a break. Remember, there’s no pressure.
There’s no shame in solo sex, being single, and exploring your sexuality without a partner. We hope this has sparked a few ideas and conversations for you!
Here's What's New:
Our next webinar on Sensual Movement with Rashida who was featured on Lizzo's Watch Out for the Big Grrrls!!!
Our latest blog: How to Find Porn for Black Women
Our IG post that's getting a lot of attention about Aftercare
With pleasure & power,
Dalychia & Rafaella
Creators of Afrosexology, LLC
Pronouns: she, her, hers