my husband's sex drive is lower than mine!
Question:
Hey hey! As a married woman, age almost 35, with an active sex drive and a husband of the same age with not as much drive ... what are some of the signals or things that you say or do to let your lover know that you're in the mood?
Answer:
Hey love,
This is such a great question. First, let’s start with the basics; I'm wondering if there has been a change in your husband's sex drive or if he's always had a lower drive than yours. Which is normal - people have all different needs for their sex life, but it's about knowing what his constant is.
If his sex drive has always been lower than yours, one suggestion we can offer would be to try asking him to help you get yourself off! When you’re in the mood you can masturbate and if he is open to the idea he can play with you while you play with yourself; kissing you, playing with your tits, slapping your ass, using a toy- whatever you need. That way you are satisfied and he doesn't have to feel pressured to get erect and orgasm if he doesn't want to.
If his lower sex drive is a new thing, our approach would be to try to figure out what is affecting him. Stress, health changes, change of confidence, and change of schedule are all potential factors that can affect someone's sex drive. Having that conversation is an important first step in identifying what underlying issues might be present. Working together to figure out a plan to address those underlying concerns will hopefully help his sex drive return to his normal.
Now, if none of those are happening and you're just trying to spice things up, here are some suggestions that we have:
Try "dirty talk"! Dirty talk can be just asking for what you want in a more descriptive way, for example saying "I want the tip of your tongue to kiss my inner thighs & lick around my pussy lips until I beg you to suck on my clit". Being as descriptive and explicit as possible may go a lot farther than you might realize!!
Come up with a code word, a phrase or something else that you both agree means "I want to have sex". This could be a word or a phrase that you mutually feel is relevant, or this could be an action, such as showing him a sexy picture or video of yourself.
Coming up with some sort of "mating call" might also be effective. This is something that you do that lets your lover know that it's time to get sexy. This could range from a sexual position or an outfit you put on, to something more elaborate like turning the lights down, lighting some candles and leading him into the bedroom seductively.
Try enticing him with a compliment; you could say something like "Hey sexy, I love the feeling of you inside of me, want to help me out with that?"
Talk to your partner about his turn ons & turn offs; these may be things that you both have control over to help him get in the mood. This is an important conversation to have openly, honestly, and without judgement. A lot of people may feel sexual guilt in some form when it comes to expressing their interests in the bedroom. Being receptive to your partners needs and wants can create the right environment to shed those uneasy feelings and lead to some great shameless sex.
Take initiative. Especially for those of us socialized as women, we might believe that we have to wait for our partner to initiate sex, or that we’re doing something wrong if we are initiating it. This sexual shame is common and can be overcome. Next time you are together and you're feeling horny, start kissing on his neck, sucking his ear, and taking off your/his clothes.
Remember affirmative consent: if he doesn't respond with actions that let you know he also wants to be sexual, then don't push it. Respect is key in ensuring you both experience the freedom that is shameless sex.
It’s important to remember that a difference in sex drives is common. You and your partner may need to have a conversation with each other to discuss how often you’d both like to have sex and come up with some agreed-upon solutions for when one person is in the mood and the other isn’t.
Hope this helps you two have conversations where both of your needs and boundaries can be honored!
With peace, power, & pleasure,
Dalychia + Rafaella