nothing’s wrong, I’m fine
Hey love,
As much as I wanted to make this email about being on the receiving end of passive and passive aggressive behaviors, I knew I had to be honest. So, let me start with the shit I be on…
Has someone ever asked you, “What’s wrong?” And you responded with:
Nothing, I’m fine.
If you have, join us! The avoidance is nice and cozy here.
The reason you may default to being ok, fine, and having nothing wrong might be different from anyone else in the group. Maybe you see yourself in some of these reasons:
You believe your feelings don’t really matter to others.
You don’t want to be a burden.
You deny your feelings.
You minimize your feelings.
You want to avoid conflict.
You want to uphold a narrative of yourself that has it ‘all together’.
You know that what you are feeling has nothing to do with the other person.
That last example, that’s me. I felt that if the reason I was upset or ‘feeling some type of way’ wasn’t about the other person, they couldn’t do anything to help me with my problem. Or they shouldn’t have to, at least.
And so not speaking up became a pattern. Because even when I had a problem with someone (specifically a romantic/sexual partner), I would still say, “Nothing is wrong, I’m fine”. While proceeding to be closed off, short, and irritable. It also became a pattern during sex and relationships in general when I found myself not speaking up about my dissatisfaction because – well, I hadn’t been so why say something now?
It's taken a lot of reflection, conversations with others with similar patterns, and honest communication with partners to begin responding in healthier ways. It wasn’t easy and even today, my first thought is to deny, deny, deny! But I acknowledge that part of me as a part that wants me to avoid discomfort, take a few deep breaths, and turn around to say, “Actually, I’m feeling…”
Explore
Something important that I realized, after being more upfront about my feelings and this avoidant response, is that my behavior did spill over onto the other person. So, while I’m thinking, “This doesn’t have anything to do with them, why mention it?” my behaviors are impacting them and us. My distance and moodiness didn’t make the situation better. While I’m dissatisfied with something and not speaking up, I just created room for more dissatisfaction. But being transparent about what was going on did three things:
Assured the person that they weren’t tripping (I’m not into gaslighting people).
Informed the person that they were or were not part of what was going on with me.
Acknowledged that my mood impacted those around me, and that’s important to admit.
When I was able to get real about my feelings, the impact they have on me and those around me, I was able to stop being passive and engage in more active connection and repair if needed.
Now if you can relate to this, why do you say you’re fine when you are not? What are some of your responses that don’t help the situation? How does this behavior seep into different types of relationships and interactions?
Reclaim
Admitting that you are not okay or that support would be helpful (you can say that if ‘need help’ feels too vulnerable right now) is not easy. Digging into our survival strategies can even feel like a form of self-betrayal if we aren’t mindful about how we try to release ourselves from those approaches. The avoidant part of you that helped you survive might feel like, “The audacity of this b***h, after all I’ve protected us from…now I’m a problem to get rid of?!”, which can activate feelings of self-betrayal. It might even feel scary to try to respond in new ways and you wonder if the risk of being vulnerable and admitting your pain is even worth it.
If we are going to get radically honest and nurture healthier relationship dynamics, and be in more satisfying relationships, we have to admit the hard things.
I’m not okay. I’m not happy with this. I’m hurting. I have unmet needs. I’m very upset.
How you feel and the things that happen to you are important and worth discussing. And it’s ok to not be okay.
For me, my first heartbreaks and disappointments were with family and friends, not my crushes and partners. So, taking baby steps to tell those around me what I was feeling was the most important and impactful. I started with acknowledging my own hurt and identifying boundaries. I reached out for one-on-one conversations to let my hurt be known (yes, after all these years!), and maintained my boundaries as the situations came up.
I was also sure to be gentle and compassionate with the part of me that wanted to avoid pain and discomfort instead of being impatient and critical. My body and brain want me to be okay, even if that means saying that I wasn’t. For some, this looks like inner child and shadow work. And I did some of that but what really reeled it in was being more playful. Creating space for being less serious and the "mature child" that is "easy and needless". Releasing that narrative allowed me to show up with feelings and needs!
As mentioned before, this is still a conscious effort and intentional work. I’ve accepted the possibility that it might always be. I’m fine with it being a work in progress while remaining committed to catching myself and pivoting when needed. So, if I say, “I’m fine”, I know that I can go back and say, “I want to change what I said an hour ago…I’m not fine” and be received with love and patience by those around me!
And if you are someone on the receiving end of the passivity, I hope this helps you step outside of making it personal, take a deep breath, and open a space for your friend, kid, partner, etc. to say, “Hey, I’m not okay.”
Giving you more
Upcoming webinars: Unleash Your Tongue: The Art of Communicating Your Sexual Desires & Erotic Embodiment: Healing Through Pleasure
Recent IG post: 7 Unhelpful Communication Practices, How to Negotiate Sex, Ya’ll F***ing, Or Nah?
With pleasure,
Dalychia & Rafaella