Question:

Hey Dalychia and Rafaella,

Thank you again for your work and what you are providing to the black community. I am so very grateful and wish you both so many blessings in your personal lives. Your earlier advice has been very helpful and after some research, I have found out that I have vaginismus or overactive/tight pelvic floor muscles. Not sure how much knowledge you have surrounding the topic, but it seems that I again hold racial trauma in my vulva which causes my vagina to be tense and cause painful penetration. I've considered dilation kits, cbd lube, maybe even seeing a sex therapist. As I've started dating again, your "circle of pleasure" instagram post has released my worry about not feeling complete if I can't have penetrative sex because pleasure in all forms can be enjoyable. But I just wanted to have a dialogue about any advice around alleviating painful intercourse.

Also, do you have any suggestions for natural lube? There seems to be controversy around using coconut oil internally or even aloe vera.

Answer:

Hello love, 

We appreciate you following up and for the blessings! We're glad that you've been able to put a name to your experience. With new information comes new ways to engage in addressing it.

Many people with vaginismus have experienced some form of trauma in their lives that makes it a challenge for them to have pleasurable sex. As we know, trauma has a huge impact on our entire beings, from our physical health to our mental and emotional well-being. We mention this simply to highlight the complex nature of trauma and its treatment. 

We encourage you to develop a comprehensive approach to your own research and in seeking consultations—from gynecological care, pelvic floor physical therapy, therapy, and sex therapy. Even if you have top-notch insurance, definitely keep looking online for information. There are amazing people who are doing work in this field who provide free, low-cost services and resources that you can turn to in the beginning steps.

A wonderful resource we like to recommend to our audience is Dr.UC! She does a lot of work around pelvic health, physical therapy, managing and decreasing pain, sex education and so much more. She has a ton of free videos/articles/advice and is easy to talk to. Tell her we referred you if you decide to reach out! 

We'd also like to share this article from Cosmopolitan that talks about sexual pleasure without penetration. It mentions vaginismus, lube, and other pleasurable things to try. Our Solo Sex Workbook can help you explore many ways to experience sexual pleasure, with or without your genitals being involved.

Finding the right lube that will work best for you can be a challenge. With so many options on the shelf and natural options at home, it’s hard to know which one will be right for you. To make things a little easier we’ve grabbed these pages on sexual lubricant from our Solo Sex Workbook to help you navigate the sea of lubes. Here are some of our top lube recommendations for you:

From the store

• Uberlube - silicone-based

• Sliquid - water-based, glycerin, paraben, sulphate free

• Sylk - water-based, pH balanced, from kiwifruit vine

• Aloe Cadabra - they claim 95% organic aloe in each tube

• Good clean lube - has an organic aloe base

From the kitchen

• Sweet almond oil - moisturizing, pleasant smell, no residue, great feel

• Virgin coconut oil - thick/lingers which further helps with dryness. However, its thickness makes it easier for bacteria to stick around, breed, and cause infections. It also has antifungal properties that eliminate bacteria, the good and the bad bacteria, which can throw off the vagina’s pH balance.

Another natural option that you could try is the Foria CBD Lubricant. CBD has been touted for its ability to relax muscles, ease tension, and manage pain naturally. 

• Feedback from Ashley Manta who is the founder of CannaSexual: "The THC-infused coconut oil formula was originally developed to help post-menopausal folks with pain with penetration and vaginal dryness. They were pleased to find that it also led to the enhancement of pleasure. I have pain with penetration and found it to be the first thing in years that allowed me to have pain-free sex."

Unfortunately, it is not available in all states as some need to catch up with the times! But the information and testimonials are pretty impressive. Don't go breaking the law in the name of Afrosexology though! 

Another option to consider is the Ohnut, a set of buffer rings that can be used during penetration. They are made of an FDA-approved body and skin-safe polymer blend and can be used with a condom and lube. They had this to say regarding a question about vaginismus, “While Ohnut is designed primarily for people who experience pain from deep penetration, we have heard some positive feedback from people who have entry pain.”

We also want to acknowledge the work that you have put into learning more about yourself, trying different things that may work for you, and researching what is going on. All of that builds your resilience! People experience a cycle of pain when it comes to vaginismus where the expectation of pain and discomfort reinforces that same response, similar to that of panic attacks. However, your outlook, eagerness, and willingness to be creative will take you far during this journey! Remember, all people deserve sexual pleasure, yourself included.

With peace, power & pleasure, 

Dalychia and Rafaella