I don’t desire sex

Question:

I’m a Black man in my 20’s who doesn’t really have a sex drive. I thought I was gay because I didn’t want to sleep with girls like my friends did so when I went to college, I identified as gay. But even though I loved the people I dated, I never wanted to have sex and feel like something is wrong with me. Fast forward to now, and I identify as bi-sexual because I realized I do like women, I just don’t desire to have sex with them either. I’ve researched different things about sex drives and I’m wondering if I should see a sex therapist or talk to my doctor?

Answer:

Hello love,

Thank you for reaching out to share your experience. We don’t want to make any assumptions about your sexual identity but it sounds like you may have an asexual orientation. We will explain what asexuality is and then address the latter part of your question.

Allosexuality (experiencing sexual attraction) and heterosexuality are the assumed default and adds unnecessary limits and expectations for how we are supposed to express sexuality. It seems that was your experience as well. You were taught that as a boy, you would be sexually attracted to girls and when that wasn’t your experience you began wondering if you were gay. As you became aware that you didn’t have a desire for sex, you began wondering if something was wrong with you.

understanding sexuality

To understand our sexuality, we first have to realize that sexuality is much more than who we sleep with and the type of sex we have. It includes our sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions, and behaviors towards others. Sexuality is as varied for one person as it is across different people. It’s influenced by culture, religion, social norms, laws, politics, family, friends, and more. What does your sexuality look like?

*Sexual health: In addition to your contraceptive and reproductive choices, sexual health involves your physical, emotional, mental and social well-being. So having safer sexual experiences that involve and promote pleasure, centers consent, and is free of coercion, violence.

*Aesthetic attraction: Being attracted to a person's style, look, or presentation.

*Physical attraction: Being attracted to someone's physical characteristics, such as body type, hair color, facial features, etc.

*Sensual attraction: A desire to hug, kiss, hold hands, cuddle, and otherwise touch, that isn’t necessarily sexual in nature and/or without having a desire for sex.

*Vanilla sex: Conventional sex (which is largely based on cultural norms) that does not involve BDSM, kinks, or fetishes.

*Kink/BDSM: "Kink" refers to non-conventional sexual, sensual, or intimate practices, concepts, or fantasies. BDSM is one form of kink and stands for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

what is asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes the experience of not being sexually attracted to others or having little or no interest in sex. Being asexual, often abbreviated as “Ace”, exists on a spectrum of identities and experiences, such as demisexual and apothisexual. Demisexuals experience sexual attraction only after a strong emotional bond has been established. Apothisexual describes someone who does not experience sexual attraction and is repulsed by sex.

Those on the asexual spectrum have varied experiences as it relates to sexual and romantic attraction. That may look like having romantic feelings and desires towards others while not experiencing sexual attraction and desire. Therefore, there are many other identities on the asexuality spectrum.

can Black people be asexual?

Racialized sexual scripts hypersexualize Black people, making it feel nearly impossible to believe that a Black person can identify as asexual. Negative and violent sexual scripts largely contributed to the sexual exploitation of enslaved Black people and have also been internalized in the Black community. This has led to the sexualization of young Black girls as being fast and Black women being called hoes, baby mommas, and welfare queens. It also sexualizes Black men to the point of seemingly reducing them to their sexual prowess and having big dicks.

Centuries of racism and hypersexualization has created a standard for how we think our sexual desires and expressions should look, and we find that asexuality is unfamiliar, infrequently discussed, or not well-represented for Black people. Additionally, many articles, books, and media representations are white. Such lack of education and visibility combined with compulsory sexuality (the assumption and expectation that everyone is sexual) unnecessarily pathologizes common experiences, ranging from low libido to asexuality.

However, that perception is changing as more Black asexual people are coming out, creating space for education, and increasing visibility. So, yes, Black asexual people not only exist but enjoy fulfilling relationships and lives.

sexual liberation for all

In this age of sexual liberation, it’s common for allosexuality to take up most of the conversation space. And for good reason, sexual oppression and other restrictions show up in our society in a variety of ways that cause harm and lead to shame. But for a movement to be a form of liberation, it cannot be exclusive or conditional. Having liberty means being free. It means that you have the right to make choices for yourself, permitting that it doesn’t inhibit someone else’s liberty. Therefore, a truly sexually liberated society means that everyone’s sexuality is respected, whether they are sexually active or not.

if the above doesn’t fit, working with a professional may help 

If the information about asexuality does not resonate with your or reflect your experience, then working with a medical or trained sexuality professional might be beneficial. It’s common for individuals to seek insight from a doctor to rule out any medical factors that may be the cause for sexual concerns. A sex coach or therapist can guide you towards reclaiming your sexuality and having a satisfying sex life by moving you towards your goals without processing the past (coaching) or treating mental health issues that are impacting your sexuality (therapy).

With pleasure, peace, and power, 

Dalychia & Rafaella