Question:

I feel a bit ashamed of how my genitalia looks so how can I work through this shame?

Answer:

Hello Love,

Thank you so much for reaching out. Shame around our bodies, especially our genitals, is so common because the media we consume and society we live in have reinforced this idea that genitals are supposed to look one specific way. They tell us that vulvas should be hairless, pink, and tight and that penises should be thick, long, and circumcised. 

There is a long history around genitals and genital shame, especially those of Black folks. Take for example Saartjie Baartman, who was enslaved and put on exhibit for her genitals because they were thought to be abnormal, and that exhibitionism continued well past her death. In reality, each of our genitals are unique in shape, size, and color and all very normal. So, let’s discuss four ways to work through genital shame, starting with the least vulnerable to the more difficult.

change the imagery that you consume in relation to genitals

It is well established that body shaming is deeply embedded in popular culture today. The unfortunate reality is that the imagery we consume can greatly influence what we think, normalize, and value. Our consumption of “perfect” or “idealized” imagery of bodies wears us down and can lead to negative thinking and self-talk about our own body. Challenge body shame by actively choosing to challenge monolithic images of bodies and genitals in the media that you consume. If you are on social media, follow sex positive art accounts that show a diverse and wide variety of body types. Check out @the.vulva.gallery and @vagmiration for vulva appreciation art and the work of Abigail Ekue and John MacConnell for penis appreciation art. 

learn your genital anatomy

We learn to appreciate our bodies much more when we properly know and understand them. Another great way to work through the shame around your genitals is by learning the proper terminology and how everything functions. A great account for educational images of genitalia is @DesignsByDuvetDays. This account clearly labels the different parts of genitalia in a very beautiful and artistic way. If you are looking for a resource on genital anatomy and functioning, we suggest checking out Planned Parenthood for great information on the vulva and the penis. Once you have a better understanding of what the different parts of your genitals are for, you may begin having more appreciation and acceptance for them as they are and maybe grow to love them. The anatomy section in our Solo Sex Workbook centers around pleasure-based education by teaching how to pleasurably explore our genital parts, which can help you move from acknowledgement, to appreciation, and then to pleasure. 

spend some time with your genitals

When was the last time you looked at your genitals in the mirror? Intentionally spending time looking at your genitals can help you develop a more intimate, loving relationship with yourself. Take five minutes a day to sit down with a mirror and give your genitals your undivided attention. Separate lips, lift balls, flex muscles, and do anything else you can think of. While looking at your genitals in the mirror, repeat affirmations to yourself. Some of our favorites are: “I am grateful for the pleasure that my genitals allow me to experience. I can explore and embrace my genitals. I love my (insert whatever you call your genitals).”

have your partner(s) verbalize their love and appreciation of your genitals

If you are partnered, you can ask your partner to spend some time admiring your genitals. This can be a little uncomfortable at first, but the discomfort fades away with practice and trust of your partner. It may even become a Pleasure Practice or foreplay with your partner. Have your partner look at your genitals and tell you what they see and love about them. If you want to cultivate more intimacy in your relationship, then you can both do this for each other. 

This exercise will help you see your genitals from someone else’s eyes, which may lead you to realize that your partner is enamored and appreciates the uniqueness of your genitals. Hearing things from someone else can greatly help us appreciate and love things about ourselves that we may not have previously. 

We know how difficult it can be to work through shame around our bodies, especially our genitals. So, remember to be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion. Unlearning genital shame is not an overnight process and can be pretty rough at times. If you are looking to work more on unlearning sexual shame we recommend our blog, How to Unpack Sexual Shame. The journey to loving and accepting one’s genitals is beautiful and can help you connect with yourself and your body in new ways.

With pleasure, peace, and power, 

Dalychia & Rafaella