What I desire desires me. Recently, I’ve been silently speaking these words to myself throughout my days. I turn to them mostly at moments when my self-doubt creeps up to inform me of why I can’t have/don’t deserve the things I want. As I catch myself before I completely extinguish the flame within me, I close my eyes, whisper, “what I desire desires me”, and again feel my burning desires. This process has made me aware of how often I talk myself out of a desire before I even give myself the chance to explore the possibility. It’s made me aware of how much I’ve come to believe oppressive myths about who I am, where I belong, and what I deserve. And this mantra is a constant invitation to start believing that maybe what I want wants me as much as I want it.

Let’s Explore Deeper

Take a moment and reflect on the following questions:

• What are the desires I’ve convinced myself I don’t deserve?

• What are the stories I tell myself about myself that keep me from believing that what I desire desires me?

• What could my life look like if more of my desires were fulfilled?

When I reflected on these questions, I realized that there are external barriers in my way, but that I also participate in my own complacency. That I don’t take my desires seriously. That I’ve repeatedly settled for a smaller life because it felt safer. That I’ve convinced myself that if I ignore my desires, I’ll experience less rejection, disappointment, and pain. I have so much compassion for the version of myself that felt the need to make those decisions and I want to experience the version of myself that believes that I deserve what I desire.

*Please note that I’m saying “what” not “who” because when expressing desires that involve other people, mutual consent is an important factor.

Ways to Reclaim

Notice how you think and talk about yourself
​Sometimes our patterned thinking feels so second nature that we don’t even notice when we’re talking ourselves out of something we want, being judgmental towards ourselves, or speaking negatively about ourselves. From self-deprecating jokes to beating ourselves up for something we did or said, when you notice how you think and speak about yourself, write it down. This practice helps us to become aware of what we believe about ourselves.

Write Affirmations
​Affirmative thinking may not be for everyone. I was a skeptic for a long time as I didn’t believe that it was healthy to only think and feel positive things. What shifted my perspective was the analogy of a pendulum. When prompted a pendulum will swing from side to side until it slows down and eventually stands still. Negative thinking swings our pendulum and affirmative thinking can swing it in the other direction, the goal is to not keep swinging, but to slow down the negative thinking enough to be able to find our center. So as you become aware of the negative beliefs you tell yourself, I encourage you to write affirmations that can counter them. Some of my favorites are:

• I trust myself.

• I am safe in my body.

• I embrace my erotic power.

• That is not my problem to solve.

• What I desire desires me.

If you’d like more affirmative ways to remind you and others of your right to pleasure, check out our merchandise which features sex-positive mantras like Less Oppression, More Orgasms and Meditate, Masturbate, Manifest. These pleasure positive statements help us to challenge this sex-negative world that often makes us all doubt our desires.

Do one thing you desire every day
When we’ve denied our desires for so long, we may have a negative reaction to pursuing our desires. This may be a trauma response. A part of you may fear that your desires will lead to danger and may signal defense mechanisms in an attempt to keep you safe. We often call this self-sabotage when it happens. How beautiful and brilliant our bodies are. By taking small steps toward our desires we can help our body learn to feel safe with our desires. Encourage yourself to do one thing you desire every day - eat a cookie, take a nap, go for a walk, call your friend, take yourself on a date, masturbate, turn off your phone, set a boundary, create some art - whatever you desire as long as it’s consensual. Take small and big actions to continually stoke the fire within you.

Here's What's New:

• Our latest blog post: Why Don't I Enjoy Sex? ​

• Our latest Pleasure Playlist​

With pleasure & power,
Dalychia & Rafaella
Creators of Afrosexology, LLC
Pronouns: she, her, hers