Question:

Hello, I'm a queer polyamorous person who follows your page. I've been dealing with issues of shame when wanting to enjoy kinky sex. My partner and I are very sex-positive people who enjoy orgies and swinging. I've been feeling some anxiety about doing it more often because I'm afraid that it's becoming more of a lifestyle than a hobby. I feel like I may be afraid of it becoming a lifestyle out of shame. I sometimes catch myself making a distinction that I'm not like "those people" but I am very sexual, kinky, poly, and queer as well as someone who has engaged with sex work. As in I have a high sex drive, my partner has a lower sex drive but doing these fun activities helps our sex life and brings us closer emotionally. I feel like maybe I'm inadequate which is why he prefers group sex or maybe I have shame with liking group sex as well.

Answer:

Hey love, 

Well done for having a sex life that is authentic to you and for honoring your sexual desires! These aren’t things to be ashamed of; they’re worth celebrating. It takes courage to explore your deepest desires, and it’s beautiful that you and your partner have been able to explore desires together. 

That said, it’s understandable that trying new things can bring up a lot of difficult emotions. It’s imperative we understand where the shame is coming from. Let’s work through some challenges you've mentioned and see if we can provide helpful solutions for you. 

where does the shame stem from? 

Unfortunately, shame around sexuality is common because we live in a sex-negative culture. This means that we have received messages telling us the rules about sex from family, friends, movies, music, church, and everywhere else. It makes sense that as you’re exploring your identities as queer, polyamorous, kinky, swinging lover you may be confronted with some internalized beliefs about those lifestyles.  

To interrogate these beliefs, ask yourself where the shame around a kinky lifestyle comes from. What have you heard others say about “those people” that is making you fearful of fully stepping into experiences that seem to be pleasurable for you? You’ll likely find you have underlying beliefs about being kinky lurking in your subconscious that cause your feelings of shame. 

Let’s give you a few examples of limiting beliefs: 

• I feel ashamed of what turns me on because society says people who engage in group sex are morally corrupt 

• I feel ashamed of my kinks because I grew up believing monogamy and sexual purity are the norm and my lifestyle is the opposite of that 

• People who create a lifestyle out of their kinks are lost and confused 

• I feel ashamed because enjoying kinky sex means I’m unconventional and I don’t meet up to society’s standard

• Having kinky sex too often hinders you from having a long-term romantic relationship 

• I’m afraid my partner will leave me for someone else who likes group sex more than me

• I’m afraid this lifestyle could ruin our relationship  

• One fear or shame you already expressed is that you feel inadequate because your partner enjoys group sex.

As you can see in these examples, limiting religious, cultural, or societal beliefs can shape your thoughts and feelings about sex. So, to get rid of the kink shame, you must first find out where those beliefs came from and then replace those beliefs with ones that align with who you are. You can then create new beliefs that accurately represent you. 

Here are a few examples of what your new beliefs could be. 

• My morality is not rooted in the type of sex I choose to engage in 

• Just because I grew up with certain religious beliefs, it doesn’t mean I can't change my mind. I have the freedom to choose sexual beliefs that align with who I am now 

• I can engage in kinky sex AND be grounded and self-assured 

• Liking orgies and swinging doesn’t make me immoral or dirty 

• I don’t have to live up to society's standards, I can create my own

• Honoring my sexual desires is a form of self-love 

• Or one created from your own words: “This lifestyle helps our sex life and makes my partner and I feel emotionally closer.” 

We also encourage you to think about the benefits you get from your sexual experiences and use them to counter any shameful feelings that arise. So, for instance, if a benefit of this lifestyle is feeling more sexually empowered, remind yourself of these benefits when feelings of shame start to arise. You could also go a step further and turn the benefits of kinky sex into affirmations you say daily or during sex. 

For more ideas on how to unpack sexual shame read our article where we outline our 4-step strategy.

talk to your partner about your worries

It’s awesome that you and your partner are able to share and explore your sexual kinks together. It sounds like you’re both finding ways to fulfill your sexual needs and building a relationship that works for you. You both seem to have a strong foundation and it may be helpful to tell him about your worries and insecurities. 

First, think about whether your feelings of insecurity come from some of the beliefs you have outlined above or because of something your partner does or doesn’t do. You could then tell them about the shame you’re feeling and how they can support you in minimizing it. 

You should also know that just because your partner is drawn to group sex, it doesn’t mean you’re lacking anything or that you have to participate in group sex. We all have different sexual desires and turns ons and that drives the type of sex we like. You might enjoy swinging more and he might enjoy group sex more and as long as you are both openly communicating about your desires and boundaries, that’s ok! It may help to ask him what he likes about group sex, so you have a better understanding and to challenge the idea that it means you’re inadequate. 

Next, discuss what you need for this lifestyle to work for you as a couple. Do you need to have group sex once a month or week? Would you like to join a swingers group that meets quarterly or a club where you could swing as often as you like? Do you want to set boundaries around whether you can communicate with other sexual partners beyond the bedroom? Or maybe you want to have more sex with just you and him. You all are building a relationship together and you get to decide what that looks like and how to incorporate your sexual and intimate desires. 

Maybe you need specific types of aftercare like cuddling or talking about your experiences once you’re done engaging in sexual activities. This could be a way of cementing your bond and affirming one another. Ultimately, you want to come up with solutions that ensure you feel secure and maintain your emotional connection. 

practice radical self-acceptance 

Shame gives us an opportunity to become aware of beliefs that no longer serve us and practice self-acceptance. Decide who you want to be beyond societal stereotypes and self-criticism and embrace that person. It doesn’t matter if your kinks seem socially unacceptable because the only person you need acceptance from is you. See your willingness to fully embrace who you are without shame as a form of sexual liberation.

Radical self-acceptance in place of shame isn’t a one and done thing–it takes time and patience. So, show yourself compassion when you criticize or kink shame yourself. This might look like reminding yourself that you’re worthy of pleasure or affirming yourself with positive words. 

You can also practice celebrating your sexual freedom by journaling and telling yourself how proud you are of you. 

If you find overcoming the shame is harder than you expected, don’t be afraid to reach out to a sex therapist for help.

With pleasure, peace, and power, 

Dalychia & Rafaella