Question:

Is there a polite way to tell a partner during sex that you don’t want to be kissed immediately after they finish giving you oral? Are there health detriments to that, or am I just being extra germaphobic?

Answer:

Hi love,

This is such a good question! There are a lot of people who question if kissing after oral sex is hygienic and taboo. Some people think it is intimate or erotic and some find it to be unpleasant. So, there are many things to reflect on regarding your no-kissing preference.

Do you not want to taste or smell yourself on your partner’s lips? Are you worried about bacteria or your personal hygiene? What messages have you received about kissing after oral? If you perform oral, do you not want to kiss your partner afterward?

The way we engage in sex and the reasons why we do so in certain ways are heavily influenced by not only our experiences but also by what our peers, family, and society have to say. We should all take a pause and be curious about the “why” of our beliefs and behaviors and challenge them when we experience internal conflict. Take some time to answer some of these questions for yourself and other ones that may come up. Having this information will help you talk to your partner about preferences and boundaries as well.

Ok, time to talk!

Conversations about sexual history, preferences, pleasure, and safety can be difficult and awkward but having good communication skills is part of good sex. Being open about what your needs and desires are, along with those of your partner, requires consistent and honest conversations. It’s a good practice to have talks about sexual boundaries beforehand because less is at stake and you can share your sexual history and safer sex practices to increase the likelihood of a good experience. It’s the perfect time to tell someone your preference to not be kissed immediately after getting head—you are setting your expectations and sexual boundaries.

If you need to have this conversation with someone that you are already having sex with, we have a few helpful tips.

timing is essential 

Right after an intimate experience may not be the best time to tell your partner what you may not have enjoyed or that you want to try something different (unless talking about the sex you just had is a normal practice). Why are you worried about saying this “politely”, what are you hoping to avoid? They may feel embarrassed, disappointed in themselves, and that they are not able to please you. Having the conversation at the right time can be the difference between feeling like you are complaining versus telling someone what makes you more comfortable and turns you on.

use “I” statements 

Centering your statements around your own experiences and preferences encourages open dialogue. Starting your sentences with “I need/want _____” or “I feel ______ when _____” clearly identifies what you are looking for out of the experience and the emotion that arises because of it. Framing your statements this way can decrease the chances of someone becoming defensive. Remember to stay positive, the goal of the conversation is to have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

body language 

It’s very likely that you will spend a lot of time going over what you want to say. But be mindful of the messages your body may be giving off too. Body language, positive or negative, can dramatically change the way people perceive your words. 

This includes:

• Your stance. The placement of hands and arms, do you use your hands to talk or cross your arms?

• Eye contact. Are you looking at your phone, watch, or the person? 

• Facial expressions. Is your emotion going to show on your face?

• Touch. Will you hold their hand or touch at all during this time? 

Body language during talks about sex is especially important because it’s very personal and no one wants to feel shamed or unheard.

be there to listen 

To improve mutual understanding, you have to engage your active listening skills. Since this is a conversation and not a speech, show your partner that what they think and ask is also important. They may be trying to interpret what was said and if you are not listening, you could miss the opportunity to clarify. Practicing good listening skills is the key to communication! It enhances our interactions with others, builds a connection, and ensures that the message is heard empathically and meaningfully.

go with honesty 

Tell them why this is important to you and that you’d like to come up with a solution. You all could agree to not kiss after oral sex, that you kiss only after your partner receives oral but not after giving it to you, or to try a different type of kiss after oral (kiss on the neck, but not lips), etc. This will likely not be the first hard conversation to have but knowing that neither of you are shying away from tough talks is affirming to the relationship and all part of establishing healthy sexual boundaries.

Now for the health aspect of your question. Let’s talk about oral sex, health, and being safer.

Although there is less risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in oral sex than genital to genital sex, there is still a risk. The viruses and bacteria that are related to STIs really enjoy warm, moist places which include the mouth and genital areas. So yes, there are potential health factors involved, as bacterial infections can be acquired in the mouth and throat. Herpes, genital warts, gonorrhea, and HIV can be passed between genitals and mouth through cuts, sores, small abrasions, skin-to-skin contact, and bodily fluids. Note that HIV is not spread through saliva. 

Be mindful of your oral health and hygiene practices. Canker sores, ulcers, or other open cuts and wounds could increase exposure and transference of fluids. Some people want to clean their mouth by brushing or flossing to help decrease the spread of bacteria after oral sex. However, brushing can lead to scratches and bleeding of the gums which again increase exposure. Rinsing with mouthwash or warm salt water afterwards has been recommended instead.

Many people do not use any barrier methods during oral sex for reasons related to preference and lack of education. So, we are going to go over ways to engage in safer oral sex:

• Communicate!

• Ask that the body parts your mouth will explore be washed beforehand. Wash your body parts if you want someone’s mouth to be involved.

• Use a  condom intended for oral sex on penises and a dental dam for vulva to mouth or anus to mouth oral.

  • A condom can be used for vulva and anal oral sex if you cut the tip of the condom horizontally and the side vertically. Try out flavored condoms!

  • Plastic food wrap can also be used for vulva and anal oral sex. But remember, it is more porous than latex which means fluids could pass through.

  • Add lube on the vulva before placing the dental dam on top of it and in the tip of a condom before putting it on a penis. This will increase slip and pleasure to the receiver.

We hope some of this helps you learn more about yourself and have this conversation with your partner. Let us know how it goes!

With peace, power, & pleasure,

Dalychia & Rafaella